[ she could feel the pull of silco's logic. jinx does want to feel safe. she never wanted silco to play house with her. she would never push that mold over him.
but jinx knows he's changed. why can't he see it? why won't he just acknowledge it? why is he just — digging his heels deeper.
however.
it's the last statement that stops her short, at a loss. ]
[ He doesn't see it. The changes. He's so terribly blind to them. He'd always lacked the ability to self-reflect, but even now it's as bad as ever. Why would he see that he's changed? All this time away? What could it do but make him double down in who he was.
But she asks a question, and Silco paused.
His lips worked. ]
I have only guesses, Jinx.
[ He's gone. He left. Was he really gone? He knew the answer that lay in that. He would never. He would have to be forced. He would die before he abandoned her or Zaun. ]
Whatever it is, I intend to change it.
[ With what little knowledge he has. Could he? He has to. ]
It wasn't a voluntary experience, it was before I arrived here. [ A pause. The gemstone he keeps in his pocket, even now, like a worry stone that he occasionally brushes against — it feels like a heavy burden in this moment. ]
I thought everything was gone. [ He'd thought she was dead. Zaun, Piltover, Runeterra? The rest of it could burn, if he could have her back. ]
Edited (wait, i needed to add a thing) 2025-05-19 02:35 (UTC)
[ her voice is like a whipcrack. it shatters any calm that might be left. and she's gonna shatter it all. she straightens up, looking him in the eye. ramrod, full of steel. ]
And you're still just doing it. You won't even try.
No, he hadn't. Not really. He'd only just found out that she was back before Jinx had, he'd — needed to take care of it. Make sure that she didn't come back, and — take her away from him — he knew she could. He knew Vi would, just a few words. Jinx needed to separate herself, choose who she was going to be, and how long would it be, before Vi lashed out again? Hurt her? Again? Snapped, and tossed her yet again like the refuse? Just like had been done to him?
And then there was what was... before. How could he describe it? How could he even begin to explain how that decision weighed on him here? Now that he knew she was alive? He'd never once looked back. He'd never once considered the other option. She was dead, she was dying in his arms — and he had given up Zaun for her? He would in a heartbeat. He knew it.
If he was asked to do it again, he would. Even now. She had replaced him. She found someone else to keep around, now that he was gone.
He couldn't believe it, he still would. ]
Do you want the truth, Jinx? Do you want to know what I did there? [ Does she even know? How she'd been the only thing he'd been focused on, for all of that time? His only guiding star? He should pull it out. Show her.
He doesn't. He can't. He's so angry, maybe that's why the truth comes easy. ]
Everything I did there was for you, Jinx. Everything. I never once faltered.
[ It feels like bile in his throat, that she replaced him. It feels like a lance intended to remind her that he'd never once looked away. ]
[ the anger washes over her. once, long ago, she used to balk at it. she would dart behind a chair until silco regained himself and coaxed her back out. and she would sit on his lap and it would be fine. they were both filled with little storms, tempests that brought the world to its knees, but they could always match each other. anger for anger, rage for rage, and still know that they could find themselves back on that chair. the squeak of the fan. the wheeze of congested air that wafts in.
or. back in the cold water. lapping at their waists. pulling them down.
there's a flicker of pained sympathy. of course it was for her. how could it not be? how could she ever think otherwise? that's not the point though. he doesn't get how fragile their time together was. she's here. he's here. why can't he just see that and make the most of it? before —
before she destroys him. as she destroys him now. as she always is. the harbinger. has he ever wondered about that? jinx knows it's been eating away at him. perhaps it's hypocritical. keeping this one truth away. but how do you even say that?
fragile. they're all so fragile. their bond may not break, but everything around them will. and it'll take silco away.
voice cracking around the edge. ]
But I'm here. We're here. Why can't you just — tell me?
[ He's so angry. Yes, they're here, but what good does it serve being here? There's no purpose, there's no Cause. There's nothing except for distractions and the unending cycle of fighting kaiju. The distractions of toppling the structure of crime within Neo Tokyo is a distraction to him, at best, despite how he talks about it as if there is a purpose there.
He's so mad. She's replaced him. She's left him. Or did he leave her? He would never, the only thing that makes sense is if he's — ]
The same way you've told me? What's happened?
[ Silco has never lacked for pettiness, after all. He closed an eye, and shook his head. ]
Do you want to know how I bargained for your life? You were dead, Jinx — [ That's what it had all been about. Why he'd given up everything for her. ]
That I gave up Zaun for you?
[ He stands up, the chair skitters back. Didn't she understand? That was everything. Her being alive was everything. He would do it again, in a heartbeat, if he had to. ]
[ jinx inhales sharply, brittle along the edges. ]
I didn't die, Silco. That's what I'm getting at.
[ how to explain why she hasn't told him? they have been tipping back and forth, but nothing has broken yet. and jinx was content with that, but she didn't understand why silco had to still be this way. yes, he's obsessive, yes, he'll never truly change but he did it all for her and she just wants to understand the rest.
she bites down on her tongue. reins herself in a touch. ]
[ It's a bit snappy. He runs a hand through his hair, agitated. ] But for two years, you were.
[ She had used that, the matron. It had been the only thing that he could believe in. That Jinx would come back, in the end. If he fought hard enough. He'd isolated himself, more and more. His only allies a god he'd just inadvertently aided in arriving, and Set, an enemy on the other side.
He'd prepared for it. That final death. He'd made sure that Jinx would live in the end. He'd come to terms with the fact that she wouldn't see him again. That he wouldn't live. It had all been to give her something. A world made for her. A playground to explode, explore, destroy or create? Whatever she wanted.
Sometimes, he still wakes up with that fact. That he's not here, but he's there. The touch still lingering somewhere like tendrils in his mind that he can't dislodge. ]
I don't understand. Why can't we go back, or change it? There's nothing that says that we can't. If I know —
[ He can plan for it. He can put it back together. He can figure it out. Then she won't leave, right? She won't... change. ]
[ a flicker of pain runs along her face. perhaps a greater power could rewind the clock. jinx shudders at the thought. it's a tremulous potential, that could upset worlds, destroy nations. everything had boiled down to her little tea party. swaying between powder and jinx. trying to determine what had the most weight. who had the most love?
in the end, neither did. powder was loved but powder was a mess. jinx was loved but jinx was a mess. she could never reconcile the two, not for all the love in the world. she won. she lost. she showed the world who she was. just as he wanted.
perfect, but without his love. and now here she stood, imperfect now. loved, still, she knows, but imperfect.
[ He gestures, toward...who knows? The board? The space outside? Jinx herself? He tosses his arm in a wild gesture as if it would express everything. He's angry. He's sad. He wants to change it. He doesn't know how to change any of it? He has to. He can't handle the —
Reality.
That he's gone. That he was worthless enough to be replaced. That in the end. All of it didn't matter. Did he matter? ]
wanted to fix her. go back to the ways things are. or start again. powder and vi. but vi
— changed. and there's no going back.
silco —
wanted to fix everything around her. vi, firelights, zaun, everything. until it's perfect for her. perfect for them. an obsessive need for control that cordoned them off from everyone and everything. he loves her. he loved her. that will never change. but silco
— changed too. and there's no going back.
it always comes down to —
jinx
the unfixable. she cannot be fixed. the world around her cannot be fixed. she just wanted — breathe a little. be happy. even content. is she asking that much? is she so bizarre, so beyond these little things? had she, like sevika said, burrowing her head in the ground?
she doesn't understand why it has to be so hard? was this even worth trying? even if silco changed, will he just never step out of his cycle?
[ He's spent so long trying to change what he thought couldn't be changed. Bring her back to life, from the brink of death — he didn't know that the doctor could do it, it had only been a half-formed, panicked thought in his mind the second before he closed an eye and the next he had been — gone — gone and Zaun, and Piltover, and all of it was gone and it was just him left.
He had the choice to change it. He could change it. He'd done everything in his power and more. She didn't understand. How could she? She hadn't seen what he'd done, nearly having his soul ripped from his body, flaying it, giving things up piece by piece until his mind was swimming with that cold purpose and the only thing that kept him from losing everything had been her. He would have flayed his soul, given up everything. He'd had nothing. Barely anyone, in the end.
Only his daughter. Didn't she see that? He could change it. He could do anything. He would change it. The alternative was — ]
[ It's something. He'd stepped towards her, his foot caught, like stuck in soupy mud, like the old mining slurry that they used to process when he'd been fresh in the mines. It was always thick with mud, water, and sediment, and you knew better than to step into it and get your foot caught, it weight you down, made it difficult to get out. A pile of it? One could sink, if they weren't careful.
It's bright, too whatever it is, like static and light and he doesn't even register, trying to step towards Jinx, remind her — remind her that he's here. He's not going anywhere.
She can't replace him. She can't, he won't let her.
But she's further away — like through the other side of the looking glass, he tries to reach out, but then she's...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
but jinx knows he's changed. why can't he see it? why won't he just acknowledge it? why is he just — digging his heels deeper.
however.
it's the last statement that stops her short, at a loss. ]
Silco. You must know by now.
no subject
But she asks a question, and Silco paused.
His lips worked. ]
I have only guesses, Jinx.
[ He's gone. He left. Was he really gone? He knew the answer that lay in that. He would never. He would have to be forced. He would die before he abandoned her or Zaun. ]
Whatever it is, I intend to change it.
[ With what little knowledge he has. Could he? He has to. ]
no subject
[ soft. it could shatter it all. ]
Going to other worlds? Lying to me?
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[ His jaw works. ]
I haven't lied to you, Jinx. I —
[ How does he describe it? That place? ]
It wasn't a voluntary experience, it was before I arrived here. [ A pause. The gemstone he keeps in his pocket, even now, like a worry stone that he occasionally brushes against — it feels like a heavy burden in this moment. ]
I thought everything was gone. [ He'd thought she was dead. Zaun, Piltover, Runeterra? The rest of it could burn, if he could have her back. ]
no subject
[ her voice is like a whipcrack. it shatters any calm that might be left. and she's gonna shatter it all. she straightens up, looking him in the eye. ramrod, full of steel. ]
And you're still just doing it. You won't even try.
[ soft as poison. ]
Not even for me.
no subject
[ His mouth works.
No, he hadn't. Not really. He'd only just found out that she was back before Jinx had, he'd — needed to take care of it. Make sure that she didn't come back, and — take her away from him — he knew she could. He knew Vi would, just a few words. Jinx needed to separate herself, choose who she was going to be, and how long would it be, before Vi lashed out again? Hurt her? Again? Snapped, and tossed her yet again like the refuse? Just like had been done to him?
And then there was what was... before. How could he describe it? How could he even begin to explain how that decision weighed on him here? Now that he knew she was alive? He'd never once looked back. He'd never once considered the other option. She was dead, she was dying in his arms — and he had given up Zaun for her? He would in a heartbeat. He knew it.
If he was asked to do it again, he would. Even now. She had replaced him. She found someone else to keep around, now that he was gone.
He couldn't believe it, he still would. ]
Do you want the truth, Jinx? Do you want to know what I did there? [ Does she even know? How she'd been the only thing he'd been focused on, for all of that time? His only guiding star? He should pull it out. Show her.
He doesn't. He can't. He's so angry, maybe that's why the truth comes easy. ]
Everything I did there was for you, Jinx. Everything. I never once faltered.
[ It feels like bile in his throat, that she replaced him. It feels like a lance intended to remind her that he'd never once looked away. ]
no subject
or. back in the cold water. lapping at their waists. pulling them down.
there's a flicker of pained sympathy. of course it was for her. how could it not be? how could she ever think otherwise? that's not the point though. he doesn't get how fragile their time together was. she's here. he's here. why can't he just see that and make the most of it? before —
before she destroys him. as she destroys him now. as she always is. the harbinger. has he ever wondered about that? jinx knows it's been eating away at him. perhaps it's hypocritical. keeping this one truth away. but how do you even say that?
fragile. they're all so fragile. their bond may not break, but everything around them will. and it'll take silco away.
voice cracking around the edge. ]
But I'm here. We're here. Why can't you just — tell me?
no subject
He's so mad. She's replaced him. She's left him. Or did he leave her? He would never, the only thing that makes sense is if he's — ]
The same way you've told me? What's happened?
[ Silco has never lacked for pettiness, after all. He closed an eye, and shook his head. ]
Do you want to know how I bargained for your life? You were dead, Jinx — [ That's what it had all been about. Why he'd given up everything for her. ]
That I gave up Zaun for you?
[ He stands up, the chair skitters back. Didn't she understand? That was everything. Her being alive was everything. He would do it again, in a heartbeat, if he had to. ]
no subject
I didn't die, Silco. That's what I'm getting at.
[ how to explain why she hasn't told him? they have been tipping back and forth, but nothing has broken yet. and jinx was content with that, but she didn't understand why silco had to still be this way. yes, he's obsessive, yes, he'll never truly change but he did it all for her and she just wants to understand the rest.
she bites down on her tongue. reins herself in a touch. ]
We can't go back. Even you must see that.
But we can still . . . be.
no subject
[ It's a bit snappy. He runs a hand through his hair, agitated. ] But for two years, you were.
[ She had used that, the matron. It had been the only thing that he could believe in. That Jinx would come back, in the end. If he fought hard enough. He'd isolated himself, more and more. His only allies a god he'd just inadvertently aided in arriving, and Set, an enemy on the other side.
He'd prepared for it. That final death. He'd made sure that Jinx would live in the end. He'd come to terms with the fact that she wouldn't see him again. That he wouldn't live. It had all been to give her something. A world made for her. A playground to explode, explore, destroy or create? Whatever she wanted.
Sometimes, he still wakes up with that fact. That he's not here, but he's there. The touch still lingering somewhere like tendrils in his mind that he can't dislodge. ]
I don't understand. Why can't we go back, or change it? There's nothing that says that we can't. If I know —
[ He can plan for it. He can put it back together. He can figure it out. Then she won't leave, right? She won't... change. ]
no subject
in the end, neither did. powder was loved but powder was a mess. jinx was loved but jinx was a mess. she could never reconcile the two, not for all the love in the world. she won. she lost. she showed the world who she was. just as he wanted.
perfect, but without his love. and now here she stood, imperfect now. loved, still, she knows, but imperfect.
if only she knew how to make it right. if only.
but that has never been her forte. ]
Nothing ever goes back. Not really. Not ever.
no subject
[ He gestures, toward...who knows? The board? The space outside? Jinx herself? He tosses his arm in a wild gesture as if it would express everything. He's angry. He's sad. He wants to change it. He doesn't know how to change any of it? He has to. He can't handle the —
Reality.
That he's gone. That he was worthless enough to be replaced. That in the end. All of it didn't matter. Did he matter? ]
We can fix it, Jinx. We have to.
[ It's selfish. He has to. He can't falter now. ]
no subject
wanted to fix her. go back to the ways things are. or start again. powder and vi. but vi
— changed. and there's no going back.
silco —
wanted to fix everything around her. vi, firelights, zaun, everything. until it's perfect for her. perfect for them. an obsessive need for control that cordoned them off from everyone and everything. he loves her. he loved her. that will never change. but silco
— changed too. and there's no going back.
it always comes down to —
jinx
the unfixable. she cannot be fixed. the world around her cannot be fixed. she just wanted — breathe a little. be happy. even content. is she asking that much? is she so bizarre, so beyond these little things? had she, like sevika said, burrowing her head in the ground?
she doesn't understand why it has to be so hard? was this even worth trying? even if silco changed, will he just never step out of his cycle?
in trying, has she lost him already?
voice choked. ]
We can't.
1/2
He had the choice to change it. He could change it. He'd done everything in his power and more. She didn't understand. How could she? She hadn't seen what he'd done, nearly having his soul ripped from his body, flaying it, giving things up piece by piece until his mind was swimming with that cold purpose and the only thing that kept him from losing everything had been her. He would have flayed his soul, given up everything. He'd had nothing. Barely anyone, in the end.
Only his daughter. Didn't she see that? He could change it. He could do anything. He would change it. The alternative was — ]
We can, Jinx. I can —
[ He had to. Otherwise — ]
I can't leave you a ——
🎉
It's bright, too whatever it is, like static and light and he doesn't even register, trying to step towards Jinx, remind her — remind her that he's here. He's not going anywhere.
She can't replace him. She can't, he won't let her.
But she's further away — like through the other side of the looking glass, he tries to reach out, but then she's...
she's gone.
He's a —— ]
lone — ?